Relating in the Aftermath
by Kizmet
Summary: A story told through POV's as the various charaters react to Angel being seriously hurt.
1. Obsession

Obsession – Lindsey

Obsession – Lindsey

I could have told them that plan B, or maybe it was plan C, would fail.I could have told them that the day they conceived it, but; for reasons of my own; I didn't.

Now it's more than three years later and the senior partners have finally realized what I always knew.They can't bring back Angelus, not like this anyway.

After Darla failed, when it seemed obvious that Angel was beginning to recover from her worst efforts to turn him, we abducted him.Decided to try a more direct, more hands on approach, to reforming him into the creature we want.

I knew it wouldn't work.Before you can shape a personality you need them malleable, a child, weak minded, or broken.Angel couldn't be farther from a child nor is he weak willed, which meant we needed to break him.Hell failed to break him and they had centuries, but the senior partners still wanted to give it the old college try.Of course we failed, still I had fun doing it.Really, my job satisfaction has never been higher.

I'm quite the expert in my field as well, torture that is, I'm some what out of practice as a lawyer.I have to give credit were credit is due though.My teachers have been incredible, numerous and varied.Wolfram and Hart certainly spared no expense when it came to this project.We've hired ex-spies from most major, or at least notorious governments.Then there were the terrorists, the mercenaries, the criminals and a few flat out psychotics.We've summoned or hired demons of all kinds as well.Still I have to admit my favorite instructor was, ironically enough, Angel himself.

It was truly a fortunate day when I discovered that sodium amytal is amazingly effective on vampires.And Angel, goody-good that he tries so hard to be, still harbors the memories of one of the most accomplished tortures to ever walk the Earth's face.

It was best in the early days when Angel was still coherent enough to understand that he was teaching me how to better torture him.

Quite frankly, the more I learned about Angelus the less I could understand why the senior partners want the sadistic son-of-a-bitch set free.He's more likely to turn on us than to work for us.On the other hand, I don't really care what they hope to gain.They won't get it, and it's not the ends that interest me, it's the means.

Vampires are the perfect subjects for torture; it's practically impossible to kill one by accident and given time and blood their bodies repair themselves.Then they're all ready to torture again.The senior partners want Angelus in good condition, not crippled in any way; it limits what I can do to him.I'd love to cut a hand off, or at least permanently scar his lovely body.To mark it as mine.

I almost got pulled off this project when someone noticed the tattoo I had added to the back of Angel's hand.They said I was becoming unstable.It took desperate measure on my part to convince them to change their minds, but I managed.It was worth it, I kept my position and Angel is indelibly marked.

Now, however, they've decided to terminate this project and I won't have that.If Angelus taught me anything it was that death is ultimately a mercy in torture.Killing is the first sign of an armature.I don't care that my superiors have decided to cut their losses and want Angel dead.I won't give him that release.

That was why I had to do what I did.

When I went to his cage, he was laying the corner furthest from the door, staring into that other world where he spends most his time now.His eyes immediately returned to the here and now when I touched him.Anyone else would have had to dump holy water on him to get his attention, but all I had to do was gently brush my fingers across his cheek.He recognizes my presence, even now; it's one of my deepest joys.Angel fears me.

His muscles tense slightly in the anticipation of pain but he doesn't retreat or try to fight me.He hasn't in over a year.He doesn't see the point.In one of our last truth serum sessions before he went non-verbal I learned that he believed he was still in Hell.He thought that the three years following his return from the demon dimension where only a hallucination, a mind game to restore his sanity enough to make torturing him entertaining again.I was very flattered.

I suppose I wasn't giving myself enough credit when I said I failed to break Angel.I've broken his body hundreds of times.I've broken his mind.It's his spirit I can't touch.Darla, our original plan, came as close to succeeding as anyone.They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Angel won't give in to darkness.He won't even kill.We've starved him to the point where he'll attack and drink from a human, but he always stops short of killing them.On some level he know we want him to kill and nothing will induce him to do what we want.

I could read the confusion in his eyes that night when I didn't hurt him.Instead I helped him to dress in the clothes I'd brought.We'd be too noticeable if I took him out of here stark naked.I had to help him, he didn't remember how to anymore.Once I suppose it might have embarrassed me to help another guy dress.I can even remember feeling uncomfortable when we cut off the last of his clothing to get better access to his flesh.

That was a long time ago thought, now I know his body better than any lover.I could draw him without hesitation; map out what areas are most sensitive to which forms of torture.On any given day I could tell you which of his nerves are dead, recovering from too much pain.Name any drug you can think of, I'll tell you how he reacts to it, what dosage you need, and what spells are best too increase the desired effects.I know his nightmares, his dreams when he still had them.Torture is so very personal.

He trembles under my touch, but stays docile.When I pull him to his feet and lead him out of the cage he follows easily enough.His eyes are fixed on me for the whole trip.He hasn't been out of the sub-basement of Wolfram and Hart since this began but he never looks around.I'm the center of his world.

A few blocks away from the office we trade vehicles and keep moving toward the hide out I've arranged.I know they'll find me eventually, but I've planned for that.With enough of a head start, they'll never find Angel.He's not the person they lured into an ambush all those years ago.He won't be predictable this time.Not by them anyway.They don't know him like I do.I'll be able to find him when I'm ready.Then there won't be any more interference.

The thought of our future made me smile, I reached over to pat Angel's thigh.The strickened, animalistic sound he made in response was music to my ears.

After I finished my preparations I set him loose in the tunnels.For a few minutes he simply stared at me.I'm dizzy, nauseous.I doubt I could have climbed down the ladder to reach him if my life depended on it, but he was still afraid to disobey me.What I've implied I want is well outside of familiar parameters.He's afraid he's misinterpreted me and that I'll punish him.Still he has too many survival instincts left to pass up this opportunity for escape.After a last nervous, confused glance at me he flees into the labyrinth of tunnels beneath the city.

I close the hidden entrance and stagger to a chair to wait for my employer's arrival.They send Holland to do the honors.Even now, years after his death, he still looks and acts the father figure.

I tune out his lecture, that I'm being terminated comes as little surprise.In fact I counted on it.

I notice that one of the cuts on my arm is showing beneath the end of my sleeve and casually adjust my cuff to cover it.I wasn't fool enough to let Angel feed directly from me.Just because he's never killed for us before doesn't mean he wouldn't drain me if given the chance.Instead I took my blood and gave it to him by the cup.It's not the biting that matters; it's the blood.

His blood sits poorly in my stomach.The human digestive track isn't designed to cope with large quantities of straight blood.

After Wolfram and Hart have killed me and forgotten me I'll rise.I'll go find Angel and finish what I began.I don't need Wolfram and Hart anymore.

"Oh and Lindsey, you can stop looking so smug," Holland says as his goon presses a pistol to the back of my head."We'll be cremating your body."

I feel my mouth drop open in enraged protest then Holland nods at the gunman… 


	2. Sympathy

Sympathy – Kate

The worst part of any police officer's job is having to inform the family of death.I haven't been a member of the police force for years and I'm not reporting a death, but it's the only comparison I've got.

The news I'm about to deliver is going to rip open old wounds.They had grieved, or repressed, and in either case they moved on.It would be one thing if I could just say Angel's back, sure they'd be furious, but deep down they'd be happy too, only Angel's not back, and he's not dead either.That would be too simple.

I'd had the feeling I was being watched for almost a month.He might have been there longer, but he wasn't threatening, didn't set off my internal alarms, so the feeling took awhile to seep into my awareness.After I became aware that I was being observed I started looking for my observer, but he's good at lurking I didn't have any luck until the storm.

It was a real cloudburst, complete with thunder and lightening, the type of night no one goes out in without a pressing reason.I was hurrying in from my car when I got the feeling of being watched.I hurried up to my room and started scanning the streets with my binoculars, looking for anyone just standing around.

I spotted him when a lightening bolt illuminated the city for a second.He was pressed against the wall of the building opposite mine.

I recognized the near panic in his stance before I realized who he was.Then I started looking for the threat, but a second later the sound of thunder rolled across the night and he practically burrowed into the brick wall in his desperation to get away.

It probably wasn't the smartest thing that I've ever done, but I grabbed a flashlight and my rain slicker and went out to get him.

Angel was still there when I got outside.His hair and clothes where plastered to his body, utterly drenched.His dark eyes where wide and fearful.He whimpered as the flashlight's beam caught him.The inhuman noise froze me for a second.Then I realized that the bright light was probably painful to his night-adapted eyes.

"Angel?" I asked lowering the flashlight.I could hear him draw quick, panicky, unneeded breaths, and see him shifting indecisively.He was ready to bolt, but something was holding him here.I knew I didn't want him to just disappear again."Angel, come in, get out of the storm," I offered, keeping my voice soft.I'm not good at reassurance, but I had to try.

I felt like I was approaching a wild animal.I could sense that he recognized me at least a little.He must have, that would explain why he had been watching me.He recognized me as being familiar, but he couldn't quite bring himself to trust me, to show himself to me.

I slowly backed up to the door and stood there, holding it open for him, waiting.The next bolt of lightening made the choice for him and he darted past me into the building.

Once he entered the well-lit hallway I let the door close and turned for my first real look at him.His clothes looked like he'd been living on the streets for a while.There was a thick layer of grime on his skin and his hair was long enough to look matted.Still, under the dirt he looked physically healthy.I wasn't sure what that meant for a vampire, maybe their bodies don't change, maybe all it showed was that he had been healthy at the time he was changed.I didn't know, still it was better than if he'd looked sick or hurt.I didn't fool myself thought, the ferality in his expression and the way he held himself spoke of something frighteningly wrong.

It took me better than two hours to coax him from the entrance up to my apartment.Once he was there I thought I could get him cleaned up and into some dry clothing, but he immediately found the most easily defended corner in my apartment and curled up there.

For the rest of the night I could feel him watching me.His dark fearful eyes were mostly watching me as a potential threat, but there was an odd spark of curiosity in those eyes as well.

Whatever had happened to him, Angel remembered enough to want to trust me.Which means he'll remember the others even more and maybe that's reason for hope.

I have to remind myself of that as the three of them look up at me in surprise when I enter the offices of Angel Investigations.Once I tried working with them, but it didn't work out on a day-to-day basis.There were just too many personality clashes; Gunn and I's respective backgrounds made it inevitable that we wouldn't like each other.Cordelia and I isn't really a better combination, even if the reasons aren't as straight forward.Between the two of us it was always one part competition, one part her holding a grudge about my dead vendetta against Angel and one part seeing me as someone who might have endangered Angel's soul, even thought my attraction to him ended the night I found out vampires were real.Well, maybe not my attraction, but I wasn't going to act on it.A cross-species romance just seemed a little too complicated and I can't see dating a guy, no matter how great he might be, that on some level has to regard me as a potential meal.

With Wesley I might have been able to work things out eventually.Both of us see the other as an armature, a civilian, but we could have made a truce.It still wouldn't have solved things between myself and the other two.I tried for a while, and it was worth it when Angel was still there, but after he disappeared I didn't seem to have a place with them.I came as Angel's friend, not theirs.I haven't seen them in years so the startled looks they give me aren't exactly a surprise.

I let them stand there stunned speechless for a good while because every carefully prepared speech just flew out of my head.

"Kate, can we help you?" Wesley asks, count on him to remember the formalities.

"It's about Angel," I blurt out.God, I couldn't have done it worse.

Cordelia's eyes go wet with tears.Gunn looks angry.Wesley just stands there blinking.

"I told you he abandoned us again!" Gunn snaps.

And I remember how it was when Angel first vanished.There was no warning, no particularly dangerous case that we were involved in, no portents from beyond, no visions, he just didn't show up for work one night.

As it got later and later, and he didn't answer his cell or the messages we left at the Hyperion we got more and more upset.I think at the time, I probably understood Angel better than the others.It never occurred to me that he might have gone back to his revenge games with Wolfram and Hart.

I was the one who went to the Hyperion and found nothing out of place.My training as a detective told me that he'd planned to come back.Gunn refused to even consider the obvious, but the rest of us had to.Angel left the Hyperion that night and never made it to his destination.Because of what he was there wouldn't have been a body to look for.

We didn't give up right then though.We got creative, sought ever possible avenue of information.The Host, Wesley's information networks, mine, Gunn's.We went to the Powers that Be as well, but the stuck up bastards wouldn't deal with "lower beings".

We went to Sunnydale, to ask the only other Warrior that we knew of to ask on our behalf.

Buffy said Angel was fine.She said she'd have known it if he wasn't and he didn't like saying goodbye.I would have liked to argue with her, but anyone could see she was on the edge.And given how poorly I dealt with my father's death I couldn't say much about how a girl ten years my junior was failing to deal with her mother's death.

The simple fact of the matter was Buffy couldn't bare to even consider that Angel might be dead, let alone ask about his fate.She needed him to be okay and her friends stood behind her.

Wesley had a quiet, civil discussion with Rupert Giles and in the end had to agree with the other Watcher's priorities.

Cordelia demanded that the red-haired girl, Willow, find out what had happened."Hack into someone's computer or cast a spell," Cordelia had demanded."I don't care how, but you have to find out."

"No," Willow replied.

"I need to know," Cordelia has too much pride to ever beg, but she came close that night.

"Buffy needs to not know," Willow said and Cordelia hit her.We left very shortly after that.

Back in LA Wesley, Cordelia and I grieved for Angel while Gunn did his best to be respectful even while he insisted Angel had just left.I think it was easier for him to be angry than to be hurt.

Now I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if we'd forced Buffy to face the possibility of Angel's death all those years ago and I certainly don't have time for Gunn's self-defensive attitude.

"Angel's at my apartment," I explain, ignoring Gunn's outburst."I think he was hurt really badly.You have to see him to understand.I don't think he disappeared of his own volition."


	3. Detachment

Detachment – Wesley

** **

As I come down the stairs Angel hops to his feet, a patently innocent smile on his face, his hands hidden behind his back.I sigh at the sound of small bones crunching under his fingers.

"Give it over Angel," I command.

Dark eyes blink at me, trying to simulate confused innocence.There's a small thud as something hits the floor then he holds out empty hands to me.It would have been more convincing if one of those hands hadn't been smeared with blood.Or if his expression wasn't utterly transparent.He knows I won't approve of what he's done, I don't think he understands why.

I move him aside to see what he dropped and sigh with relief, just a rat.Once a stray cat found it's way down here, Angel killed it with the same predatory playfulness that results in the death of any rat or mouse that finds it's way into his hands.It isn't evil, no more than a cat doing the same thing.Considering that Angel would naturally prey on humans it's remarkably restrained.

He would make an interesting study; in him the demon that creates a vampire isn't obscured by the remnant humanity of the host body.Still it's tempered by his soul.I've no doubt that he still has his soul, despite everything.He seems to have some moral structure.It just isn't human.He's affectionate, even protective of those he considered friends before he was hurt.But I have no idea what he considers right or wrong.

I can hardly fault him for attacking the thug who broke into our offices and threatened Cordelia a week ago.Still if she hadn't been there to call him off, Angel undoubtedly would have killed a human being.I can't ignore that.

In the months since Kate found him Angel's steadily lost his fear.He isn't healing though.He remains more animal than person, a jaguar in human form.In the first weeks he mostly huddled in corners, nearly petrified with terror.Now he's becoming increasingly playful.

Cordelia encourages it, but it worries me.I worry if the curse will hold with Angel barely able to remember past and completely unable to comprehend the evil of what he once was.I worry that he'll forget our relative fragility in his playfulness and seriously hurt someone.I worry about what he'll do if he ever encounters someone he doesn't know without one of us to control him, or worse yet, someone he disliked.

None of my concerns have become an issue yet.

It seems perfect happiness requires something beyond contentment.

Angel does play too rough, he likes to pounce on things and people, but he controls his strength fairly well.The worst that has happened was Gunn getting a nasty bruise.

As for my last concern, so far Angel has been content to stay in the basement area below our offices.He's safe and comfortable here.There are no windows to allow the sun to threaten him.No strange people.The lights are dim enough not to bother him; I'm not sure why but Angel becomes very agitated if the lights are too bright.It may be mental associations, or there might be something wrong with his eyes, I just don't know. 

Cordelia brought all of his things here.She put them in storage when we sold the Hyperion.After she found him using his books as building blocks she added a variety of children's toys to entertain him.

She also keeps looking for some toy that he'll prefer to mice.At first she thought he was killing them because we weren't feeding him enough.That theory was disproved when he stopped draining the mice.Basically the problem is Angel's a predator by nature.Before, when he was also capable of abstract thought and reason he could choose to ignore that.Now things are different.Emotion and instinct are all Angel has left.

Apparently his soul and whatever remains of his memories tell him that Cordelia, Gunn, Kate and myself are friends and not food.We have no idea if that will carry over to other humans and it obviously doesn't apply to animals.Which wouldn't be so disturbing if he wasn't so feline.Human kill animals for food or sport every day, but we don't play with them first.Angel keeps the damn things alive till he gets bored with them.Letting them almost escape just so he can catch them again, sometimes he ends up killing them during his play, other times he simply gets tired of them and crushes them.He's aware that Cordelia and I disapprove, but he keeps doing it, which makes it that much more frightening.It seems to indicate that hunting and killing are too basic to his nature to give up without a human intellect to control his behavior.

Cordelia doesn't care; she says people keep dangerous animals as pets all the time.I point out that people also get killed by those same pets on a regular basis.Afterwards the owners always say what a shock it was, the animal was always so affectionate, wouldn't hurt a fly.

This is the same situation, if Angel is hurt or believes he's being threatened he'll react accordingly, and more than likely someone will die. 

If he were going to recover it would be one thing.We could manage for a finite amount of time, but it's been months.He's completely healthy physically, emotionally he seems secure and happy, and mentally nothing has changed.All the indications are that Angel will remain as he is now for the rest of his life.

To make things even worse Angel is immortal, we aren't.Even if we continue caring for him indefinitely we will age and eventually die.What happens to Angel then?

Logic tells me that the best solution is to kill Angel and do it now because it's only going to get harder.

If the Initiative were trustworthy I'd consider asking them to do to Angel what they did to Spike.It wouldn't be a real solution though.I wouldn't be comfortable with taking away Angel's ability to protect himself against a real threat.Beyond that, if something should happen to us, would the chip allow Angel to hunt animals?I don't know that it would, and if it didn't he'd slowly starve.Then there's the simple fact that I wouldn't trust the Initiative anywhere near Angel.

Our choices are so limited and given time I doubt any of us will be able to stake Angel.Gunn and I try to maintain a distance but it's hard, harder than I ever would have expected.Without his guilt and self-hatred, once he'd decided to trust us, Angel is a very affectionate creature, and so unbelievably responsive to any form of kindness.He just seems so awed by it.It makes me wonder if he ever really had a chance to become accustom to being treated with kindness.

I have to admit that in the old days Cordelia and I were so used to Angel's normal stoicism that we tended to take it for granted that he could be hurt or need us as friends.And from what I saw of his relationship with Buffy in Sunnydale I have to say that however much she may have loved him, Buffy wasn't terribly considerate of him.Although to be fair to Buffy I must say that Angel was probably partly at fault in that.Buffy was very young and Angel always acted as if he had no rights in their relationship.I rather think that her latter relationships suffered from the pattern she and Angel set.She never really expects to have to consider her boyfriend's feeling, because she didn't with Angel.His feelings were simple; he loved her and was willing to do anything for her.

Adoration is an easy addiction to develop, it's a heady feeling to realize that someone loves you that complete.It doesn't even have to be romantic love, as we've learned.Now once Angel decides it's safe to trust someone, he automatically goes to the other extreme of complete trust.

Sometimes he seems so childlike, his lack of memory creates a certain innocence.It would be so easy to forget how dangerous he truly is.

** **


	4. Dilemma

Dilemma – Giles

Dilemma – Giles

** **

What do I do?A week ago I believed Angel was years dead, now I have to decide what it would be best for Buffy to know about what's happened to him.

Wesley asked me to come to LA, to bring Spike and to keep Buffy in the dark.I didn't like it but I did as he asked.

Wesley warned me before they took me downstairs, but when I saw Angel I almost didn't believe what I'd been told.At first glance he looked like he always had, he stood in the shadows, Buffy's "Cryptic Guy" down to the white tee shirt and the dark jacket.

And then Cordelia started talking."It's only Giles, you remember Giles," she said, she sounded like she was reassuring a small child, she sounded awkward, she sounded embarrassed, she sounded frightened, but mostly she sounded sad.

She held her hand out to him and Angel took several steps forward to her side.He took her hand and moved behind her.Dark, wary eyes watched me distrustfully.He stayed balanced on the balls of his feet, ready to bolt.

"Giles, say hi," Cordelia prompted.

"Oh… um… of course.Angel… hello… how are you feeling?" I stammered.

"See, it's okay, he likes you," Cordelia said to Angel with a forced cheerfulness.

Angel canted his head to the side, never taking his eyes off me as he slowly stepped forward, still keeping Cordelia's hand.He stopped about a foot from me and took a deep deliberate breath.

"They say memory is directly linked to scent," Wesley commented uncertainly.

Angel glanced back at Cordelia."That's right, it's Giles.Buffy's watcher.Well, until they fired him anyway," she said.

"I was reinstated," I protested inanely as Angel released Cordelia's hand and dropped gracefully to his knees before me.He head was tilted back and to the side.His eyes were closed, dark lashes highlighted by inhumanly pale skin.

"He's never done that before," Cordelia said, alarmed.

My thoughts wandered to the abstract and I decided Wesley must be incorrect in claiming the demons that create vampires are feline in nature.Cats are, in general, too solitary to develop pack structures.

Angel had never done that before because he led the LA group.It wouldn't really make sense for him to submit to any of them.However during his stay in Sunnydale I did, to some extent, hold a leadership position.It was only later that my roll became mostly advisory.

This wasn't normal behavior for either a vampire or a human though.That Angel asked my permission before pursuing his relationship with Buffy early in that second year was a very human form of submission.His request implied that I had the right to forbid him to continue seeing her.And Between vampires while a more blatant form of submission is required to establish the power structure, it was rarely given freely, not unless the power balance overwhelmingly favors one individual.

I stood there for a few moments, avoiding dealing with the situation by analyzing it, until I noticed that Angel was trembling ever so slightly.That forced the point home in a way that Cordelia's repeated attempts to reassure Angel of his safety hadn't.The past five years had hurt Angel so badly that he truly expected to be hurt by everyone.I had anticipated something like this if we'd from Hell, but after he returned he'd been able to… I don't know… re-orientate his expectations based on his location.He knew how people behaved.How Buffy and the rest of us could be expected to act and modified his behavior based on that knowledge.He's not doing that this time.According to Wesley, and my own observations confirm it, Angel recognizes us, but he acts as if he expects abuse until we prove we won't harm him.Before the torture he undoubtedly suffered in Hell was recognized as the exception.This time his baseline, his concept of normality has changed.Abuse is what he regards as the rule, and it's placed upon us to prove that we won't adhere to that rule.

I crouched down in front of Angel; I wanted to be on eye level with him; and put my hands on his shoulders."Angel," I said gently, carefully modulating my tone.Cordelia believes that Angel understands when she speaks to him.Wesley says it's more likely that he's lost all knowledge of language and is only responding to what he can pick up from our voice and expression.I'm afraid Wesley's view is the less biased.So I made sure that my tone conveyed my meaning."You're safe, I won't harm you."

Angel's eyes opened slowly and stared into mine questioningly.I smiled and squeezed his shoulders reassuringly.Then, to my dismay, Angel shifted closer to curl against me.He was purring, his velvety hair brushing against my cheek, his body a cool weight pressed against me, if he'd put his arms around me it would have been a hug.Awkwardly I patted him on the shoulder and looked to Cordelia and Wesley for assistance.

Cordelia shrugged helplessly."It's a little like when he got whammied by the talking-stick thing, only less nauseating," she said."I guess cause that was a spell and this is real.Or maybe it's just that purring isn't nearly as wacked-out for Angel as all those sensitivity platitudes were."

I didn't know what she was talking about, nor did I want to.All I wanted was Angel at least an arm's length away.

A musical chiming noise caught Angel's attention and the souled vampire thankfully drew away from me to scan the dimly lit room.A second later he was across the room to pounce on one of the metallic chime balls Wesley had sent rolling across the floor.Angel shook the one he'd caught, grinning at the noise it made.He set is back on the floor and let it roll away from him.Wesley tossed another chime ball at the one Angel was playing with.The two balls made a distinctive noise as they collided to Angel's obvious delight.

"They're his favorites… if he can't find any mice," Wesley commented sadly."It isn't hard to distract him, his attention span isn't that good."

We watched Angel play with the bright spheres for a few minutes then Wesley said."Now you understand.We asked you to bring Spike because of his experience in taking care of Drucilla.That the only account I'd heard of where someone tried to heal a severely injured vampire.We thought he might know something that would help.More than that though, we needed to talk to you about how our situation should be handled with respect to Buffy."

The situation Wesley was referring to was what to do with Angel in the long term.Spike was a feeble last hope that Angel might recover.The reality was they wanted me to decide if Buffy should have a say in whether or not they kill Angel.

Gunn is vehemently in favor of destroying him.Cordelia is equally opposed to the idea.Wesley and Kate Lockley waver from day to day.They need a deciding vote and Buffy was the closer to Angel than anyone else at one time, but she refused to deal with his disappearance and they were afraid of how she would react to the current development.So they asked me to decide.

Buffy is older, stronger, and more experienced now.Do I have the right to shield her from this?It would be easier if she never knew, but would it be better?Secrets have a way of coming out.

Of course I realize, and Buffy will as well, that her initial refusal to face the possibility of Angel's death may very well be directly responsible for his current state.The timing of the whole thing was just so unfortunate.Buffy simply couldn't deal with anything more between her mother's death and the situation with Dawn.

I honestly believed that Angel was dead.Indulging Buffy's denial seemed harmless enough.I didn't see how it could possible do her any good to be forced to grieve for Angel's loss yet another time, and I thought Angel was beyond help. 

I thought protecting Buffy from reality was the right choice then.Can I afford to make the same mistake again?


	5. Justification

Justification –Buffy

Justification –Buffy

** **

There really was nothing to decide.All that needs discussing is the how and that's pretty much a given too, they've got everything set up here and it's familiar.Cordy is willing to take most of the responsibility.

I would but Slaying's already as much responsibility as I can handle.Still, I'll find a way to take him occasionally.Spike says he'll help.I feel like giggling hysterically and it's not at the thought of Spike being helpful.

I used to worry that I'd grow up to be my mother, remember the demonic egg babies?Right now I feel more like my father.

There wasn't a custody battle or anything when my parents got divorced, just a quiet little talk about how I'd be better off with Mom.Dad couldn't leave LA, not with his job, and I'd be happier with a fresh start somewhere else.He didn't say somewhere where I hadn't burned down a school building, but I still heard it.He also told me how I knew he had to be away a lot, the job again.It wasn't that he didn't want me; it was just better if I lived with Mom and he'd make sure we spent time together.I could always visit in the summers… except when he was in Spain… with his secretary.

Now I'm sitting here using Slaying to justify leaving Angel with Cordelia.Did Dad really believe all the stuff he said?Will I find excuses to never visit?I can imagine doing that.

It hurts to see Angel like this.I want my Angel back, the mystery guy who became my first love.The only person who could be my knight, and the leather jacket was way cooler than shinning armor and easier to cuddle up to.

Angel was my stability, my sanity, when I had him my world made sense.Maybe if I told him how important he was to me he wouldn't have left.Instead I told him I'd "moved on to the living".I told him I needed someone I could depend on, someone I trusted, someone I knew, someone who made me happy.All the while implying that he was none of those things.

When Angel was gone I found Riley and tried to make him take Angel's place.I wanted someone who was always there for me, barring soul-loss, and who never asked anything of me.

Angel had done that, up to the day that he walked away from me.He gave me space when I asked for it.He was there waiting for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or a willing ear.He loved me and would take whatever I offered in return, be it my whole heart or stupid childish games.Even when he left he did it because he thought that was what was best for me.He was wrong, but I have to give him points for his intent.Riley left cause I wasn't a good enough girlfriend.Well he wasn't really one to talk.

All I asked from Riley was what Angel had always given me.Maybe that was unfair, but fair or not Riley didn't live up to expectations.No once could measure up to the standard Angel had set I guess.

I want him back; I've missed Angel so badly; but not like this.Angel needed my help and I wasn't there for him, and now he's not here, not really.

He's sleeping now, his head pillowed on my thigh, face buried against my stomach, arms loosely wrapped around my waist.It feels intimate, but it's not.There's not enough understanding, just a need to be close.Ever since I walked into the room he's wanted to touch me.Only it isn't my lover's touch.He's not Angel, no matter how much he looks like him.

He's sweet.He's loving.He's not understanding or calming.He's dependant, needy.He's frighteningly, horribly scarred even if the only visible marks are the three meaningless letters amateurly tattooed on to his hand.Nobody says it, but it's my fault this happened.

That's why there was only one option.The only reason the issue even exists is because of my mistake.I don't have the right to take the easy way out.That's what killing him would be.Then I wouldn't have to look at him and see the damage that I allowed to be done to him.I wouldn't have to sit here, holding him and wondering about things worse than Hell itself.

By all rights taking care of Angel should be my responsibility, but I still kill my goldfish.Willow doesn't let me cat-sit and Anya always panicked every time I tried to hold her and Xander's daughter.I can't be responsible for a person!

Angel always said I'd want kids someday, which proves yet again, how badly mistaken he could be sometimes.First off I can barely maintain a relationship for a whole year, something always goes wrong.Maybe cause they aren't the one I really want.And even if I could find a guy, I can't exactly take a maternity leave from Slaying.Then, assuming both the baby and I survive the pregnancy I've already outlived ninety-nine percent of all the Slayers that ever were.My odds are worse than bad and degrading every night.The chances of me living long enough to see this hypothetical child enter grade school aren't worth calculating.

I'll never have children, but caring for Angel would mean accepting a similar responsibility… plus quite a bit, because your average two year old isn't capable of killing someone.I've only been reminded about a hundred times that killing is natural to vampires and no matter how harmless Angel seems he's still a vampire.

What they don't see is that having a soul still counts.It's so obvious.Sure it could be a problem if Angel felt threatened or if he got angry, but even then he still listens to Cordy. 

According to Cordelia's story he got shot when that idiot tried to threaten her and Angel still stopped short of killing the guy.Sure the thug had to go to the hospital, but who really cares, the guy deserved it.If Angel hadn't of been there Cordy might have been the one that got shot.

We know Cordy can handle dealing with Angel.She's been doing it for almost half a year now, and she wants to.She's even more vehement than I am when it comes to the no way in Hell are we staking Angel debate.

While I indulged in denial she grieved.Angel was the second close friend she'd lost during her first two years in LA.Doyle and Angel were the first real friends she'd ever had.I try to imagine how I would have felt if Willow and Xander were both killed, only it was more than that.They weren't just her best friends.Cordy had been falling in love with Doyle when he died and she saw Angel as being family.

Even thought no one talks about it, I know some sort of badness happened a few months before Angel vanished.Still they'd all made up during those months.It made Angel's loss that much harder on them.Cordelia won't even consider loosing him again.She wouldn't appreciate me taking Angel away from LA, even if he should be my responsibility.

Even if all the other reasons didn't exist I'd still leave Angel with Cordy because he's happy with her.That's what it all boils down to in the end.However bad things were, they're not anymore.I want him to be happy more than anything else, it's the only real way I can make up for failing to be there when he needed me.

Angel smiles, he purrs and okay, that's not very human, but it's a happy sound.He isn't in any pain.By all indications he's content here, it would be stupid for me to take him away.Cordy is better for him emotionally.The way she loves him isn't tainted by broken dreams or guilt.

And I'll visit, I really will.


	6. Fear

Fear – Xander

Fear – Xander

Walking down into the basement area of the agency I find Cordelia curled up on the couch, reading to Angel.As always he's way too close to her, scrunched down so he can rest his head on her shoulder.Her arm curls around his neck, so she can hold the book without obscuring either of their views.

They'd make a cute picture, if you want to ignore the fact that he could kill her in less than a second if he chose to.

It's not that I can't understand Cordy and Buffy's determination to protect Angel, I just don't agree.The way Angel looks at them, for example how he looking at Cordy right now, makes it all but impossible for them to even consider hurting him.His expression, his eyes, you can see the perfect, utterly complete trust he puts in them.My three-year-old looks at me like that.She has no doubts, no reservations, not when it comes to me, I'd die before I betrayed her trust.

Eventually she'll grow-up and she'll question my judgment, make disgusted noises when she catches Anya and I kissing, stay out later than I want her to and generally turn into a teenager.But for right now Anya and I are the center of her world and infallible in her eyes.She's too young to understand the concept of limited trust yet.That's why you teach little kids never to talk to strangers; they have to learn that you can't trust everyone.Angel has that concept down pat, but he doesn't get limited trust either, and he won't out grow that.Once he decides a person is his friend, he trusts them without bounds.

I understand the position he puts the others in, it's hard to talk about whether or not we should kill him when they all know that Angel, despite everything that's happened to him, trusts them not to hurt him.He would let them press a stake to his heart and never blink.Giles, Wesley, Willow and Kate are trying to be rational about this, to make a decision based on reason not emotion.I still see their eyes soften whenever Angel enters the room.Even Gunn, who seems to want hate Angel, can't seem to stop himself from playing with the vampire.

We all have our ideas about how badly he must have been hurt and a number of the group, both members the LA contingent and those of us who stayed in Sunnydale, feel responsible in some way.We know Hell itself didn't manage to do this to Angel, sure Buffy says he was feral for the first few nights, but he shook it off, this time he can't.Hell is the ultimate definition of badness, and something worse than that happened to Angel.A part of all of us wants to see him happy, to make up for whatever guilt the others have managed to conjure up, or just because in my case.That's right even I don't want Angel to be hurt anymore.He's been through more than we can begin to imagine and none of us want him to suffer any further, but unlike them I don't want to risk anyone else being hurt either.

I already know that no matter what I argue they won't stake Angel unless they're forced to, in other words, until after he's killed someone.Even then they'll blame whatever did this to him or they'll blame themselves for not taking more precautions.They shift the blame and maybe even promise to do better next time.They won't just face the facts and admit that he should be humanly put down.They couldn't do it if they had to, I could.

Why am I different?Because Angel doesn't trust me.I wouldn't have to look into eyes that adore me and drive a stake home; on the other hand I can't get within six feet of Angel either.He doesn't trust me, I don't know why. It's not like I've done anything threatening.The one time we were left alone together Angel retreated as far as he could from me, snarling threateningly until Buffy came and got him.He even trusts Spike, but not me.

Well, okay, Angel nearly ripped Spike's head off the first time he saw the muzzled vampire, but Cordy called him off and somehow convinced him that Spike was on the good guy list and now he adores Spike.

We discourage him from rough housing with anyone else, even Buffy.It's doubtful that he could hurt her, but we don't want him to get the idea that it's ever okay to attack a human.Not even if he's only playing.

Spike, however, is a vampire.Angel can attack them anytime he feels like it.Besides he couldn't kill Spike by accident, and given his current level of tool using skills, maybe not even if he were trying to.

It's weird watching Spike and Angel.What they do isn't disciplined enough to be called sparring, they're too good-natured to be fighting and too violent to be compared to little kids scuffling.It really is closest to a couple of cougar cubs playing.Hell, everyone practically thinks of Angel as a cat these days anyway.Why not?He sounds like a cat.He acts like a cat.He even moves more like a cat than a human.Spike claims all vampires can move like that, all smooth muscles and perfectly balanced grace, but under most circumstances their memories of being human are too strong.Angel certainly doesn't have that obstacle, not anymore.

The funny thing is I don't share the other's worries.If the curse were going to break it would have done so already.It's kind of pathetic, but the simple truth of the matter is we've never seen Angel happier, well except for Buffy of course.Apparently the gypsies considered sanity to be a component of perfect happiness.I suppose we should all be grateful that they didn't have the same criteria I did when choosing books for English class.I liked the short ones.Mark Twain's "The Stranger" is something I'm real glad they weren't familiar with; if they had been we'd all be in a world of hurt right now.The curse would be just a memory.On the other hand if the curse broke killing Angel wouldn't be such a hard decision.

Then we could just be done with this before it turns into a complete tragedy.When the others are being level headed, which pretty much excludes Cordelia and Buffy, they worry about Angel killing some random stranger.To prove their fears groundless Cordelia brings Angel into the offices during business hours to show that he wouldn't hurt anyone.Wesley was horrified the first time she did it, but honestly I think Cordy's right.When someone he doesn't know comes in Angel goes into instant lurk mode.It's remarkable to watch a six-foot plus, roughly two hundred pound vampire turn invisible seeming at will, but I swear that's exactly what he does.Angel's fight or flight reflexes have a strong bias toward flight, he'll run if he can and if he can't chances are the other person deserves whatever happens to them. 

That doesn't mean I don't worry about Angel killing someone someday, I just don't think it will be some innocent passer-by.He's going to kill one of us before the others face the facts.No one else ever gets close enough to corner him.Angel won't let anyone that close unless he trusts them, unless they're one of us.But even Giles says Angel wouldn't purposely hurt us.They all think I'm being paranoid, because he's just so sweet and lovable. 

They're wrong.Angel's a mine field of hidden dangers.They just don't want to see it.He actually growled at Buffy the other day.Until that moment no one had a clue that Angel hates having his face touched.It was just an innocent little gesture, her fingers brushing across his cheek, but it almost set him off.I don't doubt that Angel has reason to fear that particular touch, but it doesn't matter.We have no idea what's been done to him.We can't know what other seemingly harmless gestures Angel has learned to associate with being tortured.The only way to find out is the hard way, and Angel won't be to blame.He'll instinctively try to protect himself from a danger that exists only in his damaged mind and someone will die.That he didn't know what he was doing will be cold comfort when it happens.

I'm so sick of being told how I never liked Angel and I'm just acting out of my old hostility toward him.I know how I felt and how I feel.I know I hated him, that I was jealous of him.I know we've never even come close to being friends.I know all that, and I know it isn't affecting me now; there isn't enough of Angel left for me to hate.

I'm not acting out of emotion, just reason.All I want to do is protect my friends and maybe killing him is the kindest thing we could do for Angel.If anyone else were being objective they'd admit that Angel himself, if he were in his right mind, would probably choose death over the possibility that he might hurt one of us.None of that matters to the other, they won't kill him now, instead they're determined to play out another of those short books I always looked for on the reading lists, it was called "Of Mice and Men" and I've recommended it to a lot of people recently.Cordy burned the copy I gave her.I wonder what part she'll end up playing, George or the girl who was killed.


	7. Affection

Affection – Spike

Affection – Spike

The only warning I get is a flash of movement then we're rolling across the floor.I come to rest flat on my back, pinned easily.There's a snap of teeth clicking together just short of my throat, then my favorite demented vampire pulls away enough that I can see dark brown eyes filled with silent laughter and a trace of smugness.

I grin back at him.His size doesn't mean much to another vampire and he's forgotten again.I pull in one leg and toss him over my head.He lands in a crouch.I still can't quite believe how agile he truly is without a human mind to get in the way of his reflexes.

He lungs at me as I scramble to my feet.I fall back, catching his arm and throwing him across the room again with the momentum of my roll.This time I press the attack, but I pull my punches.First off because I don't want cause him any pain, it's been a long time since I've wanted to see Peaches hurting.Secondly because I don't know how he'd react to pain.

I remember very clearly the first time I saw him after what happened.They called me and the Watcher down from Sunnydale, told us Angel was bad hurt and wanted me to do what I could.I shrugged and asked what they were paying.

They took the Watcher down to see Angel first, which surprised me, you'd think if he were hurt so badly they'd want me to start trying to fix things ASAP.

When the Watcher came back up-stairs he looked right stunned.

"Go on down," Wesley instructed sounding tired.

Angel and Cheerleader were both sitting on the floor playing some game that seemed to involve rolling these little chiming balls across the floor so they hit one another.

I was still trying to get my mind around that when Angel turned and stared at me.Then a low deadly growl filled the basement.

The next thing I knew Angel plowed into me with enough force that a couple of ribs broke in my chest.

I felt my true face emerging as I kicked Angel away and snarled warningly back at him."I'm here to help you, you moron," I snapped.

Angel still looked human, but I could see my death in his eyes and hear it in the growl that still reverberated about the room as he circled me.

He lashed out with a sudden, unexpected kick that terminated in a searing pain spreading from my knee.

"What the bloody hell's wrong with you?" I cried as I forced myself to stay on my feet despite the pain.Still no amount of determination could let me match Angel's speed.He circled behind me and closed with me.One of his hands clamped around my chin and the other tangled painfully in my hair.

I remember feeling panic.The last thing I wanted was a broken neck; one stay in a wheelchair was more than enough, thank you.Under the circumstances I did the only thing I could; I surrendered, went completely limp in his grasp.It made him pause, but he didn't loosen his hold on me.I could feel that my neck was just in degree from snapping.

"Angel!No!" the cheerleader yelled, she looked completely blown away.

Angel whined interrogatively and the tension he was putting on my spine eased up a fraction.

The cheerleader walked up to us and pulled gently at Angel's arm."He's a good vampire," she said.Normally I'd have argued with that but right then I'd have said I was Tinkerbell if that's what it took to get out of this in one, functional, piece."Like you," the cheerleader continued."So you need to let him go, 'kay?"

Angel let me go carefully enough that I didn't fall before retreating into the shadows.Even when I couldn't see him I could feel him watching me and the cheerleader.She slid under my arm and helped me to hobble over to the couch.

"Sorry, we didn't realize how Angel would react to your being a vampire," she said, and the funny thing was she actually sounded sincere.

"He's bloody insane!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, we were hoping you could fix that," she replied.

I couldn't.I'd spent decades studying how to repair physical injuries for Dru, but I'd never looked into fixing her deranged mind.Lunacy was just part of who Dru was, why would I want to fix that, I loved everything about her from her wicked smile to her chats with the moon and stars.

I wouldn't fix Angel, even if I could, either.

During the moment I was distracted by memories Angel had managed to get close enough to sweep my feet out from under me.This time he pins me right, so I can't get any leverage to break free.He buries his face against my throat and I feel dull human teeth scrape along my jugular.Feeling a tad disgusted with myself for being such an easy mark I tilt my head back in surrender, I'd say "uncle" if it meant anything to Angel, but it's best to stick to the more visceral forms of communication with him.

It drives the humans nuts. They can reason things half to death and say what they like about how they're keeping their distance, but they don't feel it.Their body language doesn't agree and they don't smell like of dislike.Xander's the only one that doesn't unknowingly promise Angel affection.Angel reacts to what they feel, not to what they say.

I moved to LA just as soon as I could collect up my stash from Sunnydale, mostly because of Angel, but his humans weren't a discouragement either.

That first day Cordelia checked over my injuries, proclaimed my leg broken and told me to sit till she could get the stuff to fix me up.I was surprised.I'd been helping Buffy pretty regular for years, trying to prove that I loved her.The most consideration I'd ever gotten was that she stopped breaking my nose after awhile.

Cordelia apparently didn't think leaving me and Angel alone together was a good idea cause she called him over before going for the first aid kit.As she led him up the stairs she started scolding him in that tone parents get that says you're in trouble but you're still loved.

When they came back Angel looked all remorseful.Ever since he got his soul he generally looked remorseful, but this was different.Before Angel's face was always a mask, only his eyes showed emotion.In them you could read guilt, regret, sadness, horror, hatred of himself and everything like him, and responsibility for what I was.Everything was always complex with Angel, not anymore.The history was all gone.He'd hurt me and he was sorry, that was it.

While Cordelia was bracing my knee and taping up my ribs Angel approached slowly, head down, apology written across his entire body.He sat on the floor beside me and patted my uninjured leg gently.I couldn't stay mad at him, he didn't know better, and he was so sincere, even without words.

I grinned at him and ruffled his hair, which got him smiling and purring.We've been friends ever since.

I like the way he looks at me: all innocence and trust and affection.I never much cared for Angel before, neither the souled nor the psychotic versions, but now he's just perfect. 

The strange thing about me is I've always wanted affection.So what if I'm the big bad?I when I love I want it returned.Angel gave me his love first, and so what if it's not the romantic love I sought with Cecily, Dru and Buffy.It's real and it's consistent.It's easier than romantic love; I can share Angel.I don't know who he loves best and honestly I don't care.He needs me; in time all his little humans will die.As far as humans go they're pretty likable, but that won't keep 'em safe from time.When it happens it's gonna be tough for Angel, but I'll be there for him.I'll be there forever and he won't ever leave me because he can't.


	8. Realization

Realization – Gunn

Realization – Gunn

It's a good thing that the white hats are out in full force tonight; cause the other side is damned numerous.I wish Cordy's vision had been a little more specific about the numbers we were going to be facing, I would have known to make up a few explosives before we left.I love what a creative person can do with chemicals found around the home.English has been offering the type of chemistry classes I can really get into lately.I'd have enjoyed the opportunity to practice.

But we didn't know in advance so all we brought was the usual hardware, still we're getting the job done.Wesley and I are back to back, we've got three of 'em focused on us, it was five a few minutes ago.

Cordy's about three yards to off to the right.I'm not too worried, she's got a building at her back and Angel to help her.Judging from the looks of things they're more than holding their own, as well.The machete Cordy holds is dripping with grayish blood and Angel's absolutely covered in the stuff.The bodies of four more of the demons lay scattered around them.I knew I was right to bring Soulful with us.Tonight lethal force is completely appropriate and as long as he does what comes naturally and keeps them from getting to Cordy, he's doing great.

We need to get Angel back into the fighting the 'dark forces' and all that.He needs something to do, a bored vampire with a mind that's half-cat, half two-year-old is trouble looking for a place to happen.

From watching Soulful and Spike, the bleached wonder, I know Angel's still got the reflexes to handle himself in a fight and he listens well enough to Cordy to keep me from worrying about him going after the wrong target.So long as we keep him to fighting demons he'll be fine.Tonight was the perfect time to give Angel a field test.We were going after a nest; it didn't seem likely that there'd be any human types about, not live ones anyway.

Beach more than agrees with English and I that this is a good idea.He says that hardest thing about adapting to his chip was not being able to do violence.Thought he'd go insane 'fore he realized that other demons were still fair game.

Speaking of Bleach, he's got his hands full.There's dark red blood covering half his face from a scalp wound, combined with the glowing yellow eyes, the fangs and the knotted forehead he's a scary looking son-of-a-bitch, but there's three of them and no one to 'em off his back.Worse still he wasn't able to get out of the open.

"English, think we can give Bleach a hand?" I ask.

"Ready when you are," Wesley replies.

Together we move toward Spike.Our playmates come along, but six on three aren't any worse odds than we've been facing all night.

"Come to hog my fun?" Spike asks as we join him.He slips easily into formation with Wesley and I to form a mutually protective triangle.

"Looked like more fun than you could handle," I comment slicing the head off one of my opponents.Bleach isn't too bad… for a soulless bloodsucker.'Course if you ask him, I'm not too bad… for a Happy Meal on legs.

It's a good thing that we get along okay, cause about a week after finding out 'bout Soulful getting messed up Bleach moved into town.It was like havin' in-laws, you invite 'em down for a visit and then you can't get 'em to leave.

Back then I was torn between wanting to stake him and being glad to have someone around who could match Angel for strength.Back then I was against keeping Angel too.

It wasn't for the reasons everyone thought though.I'm not Harris, I don't hold to outdated grudges.I was wrong.Angel didn't flake out on us again.I'd pretty much forgiven him for the first time anyway.Hell, I've been guilty of getting so caught up in avengin' the dead that I forgot the living once myself.My stupidity cost Alora her life.When I saw Angel fallin' into the same trap I was determined to protect Cordy and English.When he up and disappeared again all I could see was that they were hurting on his account again.

I was pretty mad about that for a long time, but once Lockley showed him to us it was plain that he didn't have any control of what had happened.He didn't choose to hurt us and there was no reason to punish him for a past misery that hadn't even been his fault.The reason I wanted Angel killed wasn't that I was holdin' a grudge, and it wasn't just cause I thought he was too dangerous to keep.I thought he was already dead, that everything that made him Angel was already gone and that the only decent thing to do was lay his corpse to rest.

These days I'm glad no one listened to me, 'cause I don't believe that Angel's gone after all.

How we figured out Angel was getting bored was he started breaking out of his rooms on a regular basis.He'd always turn up just short of daybreak and he'd look remorseful when Cordy scolded him.But the length of time between his Houdini acts was getting steadily shorter.

We were all waiting for something catastrophic to happen.Instead one morning Angel brings back this little five-year-old girl.She was completely taken with him.Told us she got lost and monsters chased her till Angel scared 'em off.

It took us a while to get her back to her home because according to her, her parents were named Mom and Dad.We weren't real comfortable having her around Angel so much, but he was the one she felt safest with.Angel was surprisingly good with her, you could see he trying his hardest to help her and that he worried when she got homesick.

Course we weren't real pleased when the two of them took off, as best we can figure it they were looking for her family.

When we did get a hold of her parents Angel gave the kid back real nice.We'd been worried about that too, afraid he'd get attached and want to keep her.

The whole incident convinced me that no matter how screwed up Angel's brain was his heart hadn't changed.I think he'll do fine helpin' people again.Maybe he'll even improve some if we get him back into the swing of things.Heck, maybe the PTB will finally cut him and break and fix him so he can be more of a warrior again.

Of course the Slayer's gonna be a bitch about this.The girl acts like Angel's made of glass these days.I think she feels guilty.I'm not really interested in the Slayer's issues though.I' interested in saving people and I think Angel can help.It won't do him any harm and it might do him some good, so I'm going let him and the Slayer can just deal.It ain't like she's around much anymore anyway.

"Well, that was bracing," English pants and the last demon is dealt with.Cordy fastidiously cleans her knife on the hide of one of the demons.Bleach is giving Soulful a once over and Angel's looking all worried about the blood on Spike's face.He reaches out to carefully touch the half-healed cut on Spike's forehead.

"Don't be a mother hen, Peaches," Spike gripes, but he lets Angel satisfy himself that there's nothing seriously wrong.Once he's done looking over the only injured member of the party he checks the rest of us for anything he might of missed.

When he's done seeing that no one's been hurt I say, "You did good Soulful."And I could swear he understood me well enough to be embarrassed.


	9. Resentment

Resentment – Willow

Resentment – Willow

I hear voices arguing, but they seem very far away.

"I can't believe you, you know what he did!" That's Xander, he sounds angry.

"I know what she did too!" Cordelia hisses back.

Xander doesn't seem to have a reply to that.I want to say that I was distraught; I was grieving, that they can't hold me responsible, but I don't have the energy to speak and my throat hurts terribly.

"Angel's not the one lying unconscious in the hospital," Xander says.

"Willow's not lost somewhere under the city terrified that everyone she knows is suddenly going to turn on her," Cordelia replies angrily."You know how Angel is, he won't understand that just because one person he trusted hurt him doesn't mean the rest of us will."

"Why should he need to understand?He attacked her.We are going to destroy him this time," Xander says."I warned you that this would happen, but no one would listen to me.You know I did.I told you a hundred times he was going to kill one of us."

"Goddamn it Xander," Cordelia snaps, her voice rising."This wasn't about Angel misunderstanding some innocent little mistake on Willow's part.Okay he overreacted, but she's not dead and she should have known better."

"Willow wasn't rational," Xander sighs. "Who would be under the circumstances?"

And then I remember what had happened.I remember when it was all over.I remember wanting to sit down in the middle of the street and just wailing.

I wanted to turn back the clock a few hours and do everything differently.

I wanted Buffy to be alive.

I wanted Tara to wake up.

I wanted to grieve.

I wanted to breakdown.

I didn't want responsibilities, not right then and certainly not for an insane, uncooperative vampire.

"Shut up!" I screamed at Angel.Even then I knew I shouldn't have.But I wanted to lash out at him, because he didn't have to hold it together.He could fall apart if he felt like it, and no one, not even Xander, would hold it against him, but me, I had to deal.

I couldn't even think, not with Angel making that horrible, endless keening noise."Angel! Quiet!" I ordered, harshly.I could see fear beginning to mix with the grief in his expression but I just couldn't bring myself to care.

All along I'd done my best to back Buffy in every decision she's made about Angel.Not just since he came back all screwed up but all the way back to High School.Now Buffy was gone and I just didn't feel anything toward Angel except fury.It was his fault I wasn't with them, his fault I couldn't take the time to cry.

Spike brought Angel to Sunnydale to visit.The bleached moron could never leave well enough alone.Buffy was happier forgetting about Angel.She'd make plans to go down to LA, but it was never hard to find an excuse to for her not to go.

And no matter what anyone thinks, what Buffy thought, it wasn't her fault Angel ended up getting hurt.Just like it's not my fault that Oz died.

Cordelia, Wesley, the other two, they had no right to drag Buffy back into Angel's problems.Angel left Buffy, he called it quits, she owed him nothing.

If Angel got in over his head without her that was his problem, not Buffy's.Buffy had enough to deal with just considering her responsibilities to the people who hadn't abandoned her.

And afterwards?Why did Buffy have to be the one to cast the deciding vote on whether or not we killed Angel?I'll never understand why Giles didn't tell Wesley and Cordelia to just deal with him themselves and leave us alone.

Still, once things were decided our lives could have gone back to what passes for normal.Buffy could have not thought about Angel, except for Spike.

Spike just had to bring him to Sunnydale every couple of months and Buffy always felt too guilty to tell Spike to just turn around and leave.I would have, I did, Spike said it wasn't my choice to make.

So they, Spike and Angel, were here when it happened.One more attempt by the demon population to open the Hellmouth.Spike said he and Angel could help.Buffy said there was no way she was taking Angel into a fight.Giles and Xander insisted someone be left behind to watch Angel.Tara, Anya and Xander couldn't because Angel doesn't mind them.Buffy and Spike were our best fighters so they were going by default and Giles pulled rank on me.

They went off to save the world again and I got stuck babysitting.Why couldn't we have just tied him up and left him with Anya?She wasn't going anyway, being six months pregnant.I wonder what she'll do when Xander has to tell her you can't actually have 2.4 children.

About fifteen minutes after they left Angel started getting all upset.He took off and all I could do was follow him to the burnt out wreck of the old high school.The Hellmouth vibes had kept anyone from wanting to rebuild on the site, even though it's been almost twenty years since we blew the place up.The only reason anyone ever built there was that Mayor Wilkins insisted on putting a school there back when he was Richard Wilkins Jr. instead of the third.

By the time Angel and I arrived Tara was already deep into her spell, Buffy was fighting alone, bleeding from at least a dozen wounds while Xander tried to keep the various tentacles spewing from the Hellmouth away from Giles' unconscious form.I remember Xander telling me, between the battle ending and him leaving with the ambulance, that Spike had been dusted about ten minutes before Angel and I got there.In other words right when Angel had freaked out.

As soon as we arrived Angel threw himself into the thick of the battle, while I added my strength to Tara's helping her to force the Hellmouth closed again.

Angel and Buffy kept the tentacles away from Tara and I until we were done, then Buffy crumpled to the floor.I released the spell and went to help her only to realize that Tara was still helplessly pouring all her strength into the seal we had erected.I tried to help her free herself from the spell, but after Giles had been knocked out Tara had believed that she would have to finish the spell on her own so she tied it directly into her life force.I wasn't able to break the ties and could only watch helplessly as she was drained, leaving behind a shell that will never wake-up.

I don't know how long I sat there holding her hand, but it wasn't long enough, I never wanted to move from her side.Then Angel was shaking me into full awareness.

I turned to see Xander performing CPR on Buffy."Go for help," he panted.

I ran to the closest phone and called 911.When they came they bundled Tara and Giles into the ambulance, but left Buffy for the police.They thought they could help Tara, but I already knew I'd lost her.

They wanted us to all go to the hospital with them but Angel wouldn't leave.He just started making that awful noise.Xander had to explain to them about Angel, about him being mentally deficit, not about him being a vampire.

In the end it was decided that Xander would go to the hospital with Giles, and he'd call Cordy and have her come get Angel. Meanwhile, I would stay at the school with a clueless EMT, a bunch of policemen who'll write us off as one more Sunnydale statistic; just one more "wild dog attack" or maybe it was those gangs on PCP again; Buffy's body, Spike's ashes are around somewhere too, and Angel.I was supposed to be getting Angel settled down, but I just couldn't seem to bring myself to deal with anything, let alone Angel's hysteria.Our remaining medic was fussing over Angel, just like everyone always fusses over Angel, trying to do what I was supposed to be doing.Only Angel didn't want anything to do with him and he didn't want the police anywhere near Buffy.So forced myself out my stupor because if someone didn't do something about Angel before the paramedic got the bright idea to try sedating him the police were going to have even more bodies to explain away.

I tried to get through to Angel but he just kept screaming and I couldn't stand it anymore so I slapped him and screamed, "Pay attention to me Angel!"I can't imagine why I did something so stupid.I'd just been worrying about the police or the medic doing something that would make Angel turn violent then I hit him.

He stopped screaming then.For a second he looked totally blank.Then he switched to his demon face.I remember Cordy having said that he never does that any more.Then everything was a blur and I felt him bite me and I screamed and everyone was yelling and Angel tossed me across the room like a rag doll and fled.After that everything went black.

"Xander?" I whisper in a tiny sounding voice."What happened?"

"Angel bit you," Xander replied darkly."What the Hell where you thinking Will?He could have killed you, didn't you think we'd lost enough people last night?"

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"It's okay," Xander sighs."Giles is going to be fine, but the doctors, they can't even figure out what's wrong with Tara, I'm so sorry Will."

I feel tears welling up in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks."Tara," I moan. 


	10. Hope

Hope – Cordelia

Hope – Cordelia

We didn't expect Angel to understand death.We expected him to look for them, to wait for them like he used to wait for Buffy's visits, even after she quit coming.Jumping up every time the door opened only to be disappointed every time it wasn't her.Eventually it would drive Spike up the wall and he'd take Angel to Sunnydale to see her.

During the first year Buffy came to visit once a month like clockwork.After that the visits got less frequent until the fourth year when she stopped coming altogether.Angel never stopped expecting her monthly visits thought.Not until Buffy and Spike died more than a decade later.After that he stopped waiting for her. 

We thought we were going to loose Angel after they died, of course it's impossible to tell how much of what followed was because them dying and how much was because of Willow.After Willow hit him Angel disappeared into the tunnels below Sunnydale.Wesley, Gunn, Kate and I searched for weeks before we found him and the whole time we were terrified that Xander would find him first and kill him, even though what happened was totally Willow's fault.Once we found Angel it took the better part of a week to get him to trust us again.When we finally got him to come with us, Willow had the nerve to come try to apologize and he freaked again.Didn't she understand you can't do things like that to Angel, and that apologies just don't make any difference at all with him?He trusted her and she hurt him, okay Willow never had the strength to hurt Angel just by hitting him, but she struck him in anger.None of us had even yelled at Angel since we got him back and she hit him.And no, it's not anything like Spike and Angel playing, no matter what Xander may think.The emotions were different and the one thing Angel never got confused about was emotion.

Angel improved once we got him back to LA, where everything was familiar again.He grieved and he carried Spike's jacket around with him for weeks, and he still panics if he can't find his picture of Buffy, but he got better.At least he stopped watching us like he expected us to turn on him at any moment.

He never learned to trust anyone new though.I want to blame Willow for that, but I don't know that she is responsible.Angel has never trusted anyone that he didn't know from before, it just wasn't that big of a deal at first.It became more of an issue as we lost people.Gunn was killed fighting demons and Kate died in a car crash and then there was just Wesley and I.We found new people to help staff Angel Investigations, but no matter how great they've all been it isn't the same.Angel doesn't seem to relate to them, not really

The deaths changed Angel.Took away some of the childishness, leaving him more solemn.Sometimes I thought I could see traces of the person he'd been before in his grief, but I think that must have been wistfulness on my part because before Angel would never have clung to those who remained as he did.He hated for us to be away from him. 

It was so hard when Wes died.We were always a family, the three of us.In the old days Angel was our protective much older and more mature brother to Wes and I's squabbling siblings act.During those awful five years when we thought Angel was dead Wes and I stopped fighting and just clung to what we had left.At first, when Angel came back Wes tried to keep his distance but once you've named a person as family you can never completely turn your back on them.He and Angel and I had been through so much together it was hard to believe he was gone.So what if he was over eighty years old and died of a heart attack, it was still a shock.

It also made me really think about how I could make sure Angel was taken care of after I died.I overheard someone at the funeral ask if Angel were my grandson, and I had to face the fact that he looks young enough be.

On and off over the years we've always had the what's-going-to-become-of-Angel-if-something-should-happen-to-us discussion.For a long time the answer was Spike will take care of him." And, sure, Spike was a soulless demon, but he liked taking care of Angel.In his way I think he loved Angel, he would have made sure Angel was always okay.What we never foresaw was Spike dying to keep the Hellmouth closed.

After that we didn't have an answer for what would happen to Angel if we died.Now the question becomes what is going to happen when I die.There's no one else left and it's only a matter of time.I feel old.My bones ache and my hair went a very nice shade of silver years ago.I look quite dignified really.Sometimes I remember who I was and I can hardly believe who I've become, me, Cordelia Chase, Queen C, with wrinkles and silver hair looking dignified and loving it.The current active members of Angel Investigations look to me as the voice of experience and wisdom.

They're good kids; Dana, the Slayer who wasn't, my dearest little Emily, and Drift who can reminds me so much of Angel sometimes it's scary.

They'd be happy to take care of Angel for me, as would any of our other alumni.The only problem is Angel.He won't cooperate.He won't stay with them.He always finds a way to come back to me.It would be sweet if it weren't so frustrating.I don't know what to do about him.I won't have him locked up, but I can't stand the idea of him living on the streets again like he was when Kate found him.I don't worry that he'd hurt anyone anymore.I mean he didn't kill Willow after all.I worry more about him getting hurt; he isn't very popular among vampires and other demon types.

I spent years after Wes' death trying to find an answer to my dilemma without success and now it's too late.

I feel a large cool hand slide carefully into mine as if he's afraid my fingers may break like dried, brittle twigs and I'm not sure that he's wrong."Oh Angel," I sigh.He's really not supposed to be here, especially not when he's unsupervised.Vampires and hospitals just don't mix.But nothing, not even day light can keep him away for long.

A part of me wants to give in and let him stay till the end, but that would be admitting defeat, I need to find a solution he can live with before I die.I've even considered Xander's solution, God how I've learned to hate that book he made me read.I hate it because I understand it; I understand why George killed him in the end.It had to be done and the only way to be sure that he didn't suffer was for George to do it himself.I understand that, and even when I know Angel won't hurt anyone I still have to consider it because I won't let Angel suffer ever again and that's the only way to be sure.

I can see the beginnings of terror in Angel's face as he stares and the IV's running into my arm and he gingerly rearranges the blankets on the bed to hide them from view.

I reach across my body to stroke the back of his hand.With a soft moan he buries his face against my shoulder.

"Shh, it's alright," I murmur, moving to stroke his soft velvety hair.I don't want to leave you, but that the way of things.You'll be okay.Dana, Emily and Drift love you, you won't be alone.I promise Angel, you'll never be left alone."

"Stay…" a low word, his voice so gravely that it sounds more than halfway like a growl.I'm hearing things.Angel just… No not after all these years he can't have!

"C… Cor, stay," It's real.I'm not hearing things.I could sing, heck I could dance!

"Angel?" I ask, Please let this be real, I think, let him answer me.

"P…please?"


	11. Reflection

Reflection – Angel

Reflection – Angel

When I started writing this I planned to have Cordy be forced to kill Angel (an ending that was very much inspired by "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck), but the story just didn't seem to justify killing him, especially since I'd stated in Lindsey's part that Angel hadn't killed anyone, no matter what they did to him.So I started figuring out a new ending, and having just finished rereading Mark Twain's "The Mysterious Stranger" (the other story Xander refers to) I was somewhat influenced by it.I'd forgotten just how bitter that story really was.

So if you want a happy ending I'd advise you to consider Cordy's part the end.

Dana holds my hand, Emily and Drift both hover over me.Sometimes I have trouble believing in their reality.I can hear their heartbeats and feel the heat radiating off their bodies but sometimes they still seem like figments of my imagination.

Oh I know that they're real, Cordy told me so, I just don't feel it.Still I'm glad of their presence today, even if they do treat me like I'm five years old.It should feel strange, before no one would ever have dreamed of holding my hand like Dana's doing, like I might wander off and get lost if left to my own devices.I think it should bother me more than it does, but the part of me that stayed behind when I left is reassured by it.

Everything is strange to me now, disjointed.I can't believe that the century is three quarters gone; I barely remember it turning.I haven't actually forgotten, but it's different.Time meant nothing.Words meant nothing.It's so strange, not to remember clearly.I remembered everything that happened between the night I rose and the night of Buffy's seventeenth birthday with perfect clarity.Now everything is so jumbled.I remember things in fragments.Impressions and sensory input, brief scenes separated and disjointed, with nothing to tell me which are real.

Cordy tells me that my memories of the latter part of my final year in Sunnydale and the first year in LA are complete.That time, between the snowfall and moving into the Hyperion stands out by virtue of being almost normal.I'm glad I have my own memories of becoming friends with Cordelia, Doyle and Wesley.I only have Cordy's stories to tell me that Kate and I eventually made peace.

I remember Gunn, in a way, not a human way.I remember the warrior/protector.I remember him by scent and presence, by the cadence of his voice and the rhythm of his heartbeat. Cordy had to tell me his name, his history, and that she dated him for almost five years, along with all the other things a human would have noted.

Some things I wish I could forget more thoroughly.Buffy's death for example.Cordy assured me that she lived longer than any Slayer in history and that she was happy.I wish I could believe that Cordy was right.I'm certain Cordy believed Buffy was happy, she wouldn't lie to me, not even in the name of comforting me, but I remember Buffy.I remember her as my beautiful goddess.She was kind and gentle, but always distant and so sad.Her sadness was the only reason I dared to touch her, somehow I knew I was the reason for her sadness and I wanted to comfort her.

In Hell I learned to separate mind from instinct and to bury my real self deep inside where I couldn't be reached.In the beginning I'd try to just retreat from what was happening to me, but my tortures would drag me back to the surface once they'd realized what I'd done.So I learned to divide myself, to leave something behind to scream and cringe when they hurt me, while the rest of me escaped.

Once you turn your back on reality though it's hard to find your way back.I couldn't trust my memories, my senses, anything.The first time Buffy's presence was enough to bring me back, but not the second time.It was so much harder to want to come back a second time.I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever really made it back that first time.

When I had to come back, when there was nothing left of the refuge I'd found, I still couldn't believe I was truly here.This time, this place, it could be just another fantasy.I didn't know what to believe.In the end I did the only thing that felt natural, even if it made no sense, I trusted Cordelia.I trust her in blood and bone not reason.It feels right when nothing else does.

I trusted her to separate my true memories from the hallucinations.I remember everyone I cared for dying… in dozens of different ways each, mostly at my hands and I know that couldn't all have happen, a person can only die once. 

I remembered Darla as a human and I remembered her death, but I couldn't put it into any context and dismissed it as imagination, but Cordy told me how it happened.

I remembered Faith bound in dozens of chains, being slowly tortured to death as I plead with Lindsey to leave her alone.No one can tell me if that really happened or not.I tried to figure it out, but all I could find was that Faith disappeared from prison during the second year after I went missing.

I remember a hundred variations of Lindsey demanding my attention."You taught me torture is an art form, my mentor," he'd say."But if that is so, it's a performance art and I won't play to an empty house.So pay attention Angel."

I remember, once he drew my attention without chaining me, when I wasn't crippled with pain.

I remember biting him, but he didn't taste of madness and hatred, she tasted of tears and a loss that I shared in part.I can't understand that.Cordy won't explain it; she says it's not important.I have to believe that, if I loose my faith in her I've nothing left.

I remember Lindsey screaming in fury as he burned, aware but unable to move. A vampire, but not yet ready to rise.But that can't be real because I was aware of his final death as if he were a fledgling of my making.Even if I did bite him I wouldn't have turned him.

I remember Giles, remember knowing I'd hurt him, being unable to express the remorse I felt.The only apology I could offer was my life and he forgave me.I don't know how he forgave what I had done to him but he did, I treasure that memory.

I remember fighting my desire to either be far away from Xander or to attack him because Cordy wanted me to accept him.I remember that his presence was too like the others, like the ones that watched as Lindsey tore me apart, for me to ever relax around him.To them I was always less a person than a problem to be solved.I would have rather they hated me like Lindsey did.

I remember Spike with affection, it overlays my old memories of him, softens them.Not an enemy, but a friend, a playmate.That might be the strangest thing of all because even before I was cursed Spike and I despised each other.Cordy explained about the chip and I guess I understand.Spike was always the most social of demons, isolation would have been torture to him and he would have changed to find companionship.

I remember coming home to Cordelia and Wesley, to family, not of blood but of heart, to acceptance and belonging, but didn't seem real.The part of me that I'd left behind to interact with the world couldn't ask for the reassurances I needed and the rest of me was buried to deep, all I could do was watch.It was like one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming, but you still can't control anything.If you were to wake up just a little more you know you could control the dream, but then you run the risk of waking up completely.The last thing I wanted to do was wake-up and find myself still in Hell, so I just watched the dream unfold.I drifted and let the warmth of the dream comfort me.I felt safe and loved, I can't ever remember feeling that before except for a brief moment with Buffy, in part that was why I was so sure it couldn't be real.I didn't care though; I happily traded reality for the dream.

Only the dream didn't stay good, everyone died and I couldn't stop them.Finally there was only Cordy left and I couldn't loose her too.So I reached out and tried to take control of the dream, tried to make it so she wouldn't die.And I woke up to find my dream wasn't a dream at all.

Cordelia lived for another two years after that night; her doctors could only explain it as an act of will on her part.Her determination to live overriding her body's infirmities.She told me she hadn't waited that long to see me get better, only to die of old age just when I was getting around to it.

The truth was I couldn't have survived her death, not then.We both knew that.I needed someone I could trust, someone who knew, to tell me what reality was for those first few years.Cordy was the only one left, maybe the only one ever.Even now I'm paralyzed at the thought of going on without her, but I don't have a choice and I won't disappoint her by failing.

On the good days I even look forward to the future, the rest of the time I wish I could go back to dreaming.

"Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?No sane man can be happy, for to him life is real, and he sees what a fearful thing it is.Only the mad can be happy, and not many of those.The few that imagine themselves kings or gods are happy, the rest are no happier than the sane." – Mark Twain "The Mysterious Stranger. 


End file.
